5 Steps to healing past sexual wounds

Many hold unique stories that have contributed towards creating the individual you are today. Unfortunately, some of those stories have endured hardships and it’s not uncommon to still be carrying those wounds later in life. You see when you don’t have the tools, resources, and support to deal with those hardships when they occur you develop a wound that does not heal. You can carry these wounds for the rest of your life where they negatively impact other areas of your life such as relationships, friendships, parenting, and so forth. Therefore, it’s important that you address these past wounds so they may heal in a healthy way and you can go on living your life in an empowered and confident way. By healing these wounds your relationships with others will also improve. If you feel as though you may have a past wound that’s somehow related to your sexual energy there are practices you can employ to begin the healing process. We will go through 5 simple practices to heal and harness your own sexual energy.

Before we begin it’s important to know where you're at. What do I mean by this? I mean you need to know what your current thoughts and belief systems are regarding your sexual energy. It may sound silly but chances are you have not sat down and explored exactly what belief systems you hold in regards to your sexual nature. Allow yourself some time and space, preferably somewhere quiet, to ask yourself open questions regarding your sexual nature. You can start with things like “how do I feel about being sexual?” “How do I express myself sexually?” From there you can continue the process of peeling back multiple layers by asking yourself “Why?” over and over again until you get to the root. You develop your thoughts and belief systems from a very young age through all the interactions and experiences you have, both good and bad. Your mind then continues to search for proof to validate these developed beliefs and thoughts, but this all happens on a subconscious level where you have no awareness of it occurring.

Next, you need to establish an open and honest mindset. This simply means you need to be open to exploring yourself with no limitations. It’s about being non-judgemental towards yourself regardless of what may come up for you. It also means that you have to be radically honest with yourself as well. No half-truths or being selective with what you explore, you have to lay it all out on the table in order to fully see what it is that you're working with.

And lastly, many of us have a complicated multi-layered relationship with our sexual nature, sometimes expressed as grief, anger, anxiety, fear, etc., so it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself. This could be a deep and hard journey for you or it may be a fascinating, liberating, and curious one, you, unfortunately, won't know until you begin but whatever it may be it will be exactly what you need to go through, unique to you and you alone. So, love on yourself, be proud of yourself and encourage yourself because you are now undertaking a sacred journey and the rewards will be great.

1. Owning Your Sexual Energy

Owning your sexual energy is about standing in your own sexual energy. Taking ownership of it and knowing that it is your and yours alone, not anybody else's. Whilst this may seem simple enough to say it’s another thing to walk in this truth. Have you ever become frustrated in a relationship because they were meeting your sexual needs? Well, I’m about to drop a truth bomb and that is that it is not somebody else's responsibility to invoke sexual energy in you. Now before you go judging that comment, just sit on it for a second. Think about it. If it evokes anger and frustration then ask yourself why. We are responsible for our actions are we not? Well, we are also responsible for our emotions, as we are the ones who develop and express specific emotions. The same goes for your sexual energy whether it is evoked or missing in action it is our own responsibility because it is ours and no one else’s. Now sexual energy is more than physical sex, that is only 1 part of this multifaceted concept and it can be a lot more complicated than what you may think. Your sexual energy impacts all parts of your life, there is no part of your life that your sexual energy does not influence. Think of it as a pool of water where a stone has been dropped into it, we all know that that stone causes a ripple effect that spreads outward. Your sexual energy has the same effect it spreads outward to other areas of your life. Just like the woman who has a past wound relating to males finding that she cannot interact with them at work without transferring her anger onto them. Don’t have to agree but again I invite you to just hold space for that statement for a moment. Your sexual energy is yours - it is the relationship you have with yourself. Your sexual energy is cultivated depending on the relationship you have with yourself. It is the energy that runs through you and expressed outwardly. So I encourage you to ask yourself ‘how do I cultivate this relationship?’ Once you have an idea of this you have begun the process of ‘owning’ your sexual energy.

2. Self Enquiry

This is about how do you feel into your sexual energy? What happens when you begin to explore your sexual energy? What emotions or even thoughts come up for you? Do you feel shame, anxiety, anger, guilt? Do you change your thoughts to something else? Or perhaps you are on autopilot, and you’re so caught up in everything else going on in life that you have never even given thought to your sexual energy. Another question to ask yourself is how much of your sexual energy is a mere bi-product of your upbringing and what part is what you have consciously created? Now don’t be worried if your answer is that you have never consciously created any part of your sexual nature, that is what this whole journey is for. Now during this self enquiry you need to be radically honest with yourself throughout the process - this is so important. And we are talking deep honesty, openness, and willingness with yourself. You don’t know what you’re working with unless you be honest with yourself. I can’t stress this enough. An additionally note to make is that you should be genuinely curious about your sexual energy and where it is at, self enquiry brings enlightenment into your life. Furthermore, constantly learning about yourself helps to strengthen your relationship with yourself and others. And lastly, during the process of self-enquiry it’s essential to be non-judgmental towards yourself and hold space for yourself to fully experience the process.

3. Embodiment

Sexual energy is about embodiment. Sexual energy is your feminine energy. It’s how your feel. It’s both physical and emotional. It’s your spiritual nature. Connecting with your sexual energy is about bridging the gap between your masculine energy and feminine energy. It’s crossing over into embodiment. How often do you explore your body and connect with it? Not in a sexual way, just in a curious explorative way? By carrying out the simple act of curiously looking over your body and being mindfully present with it, we connect with it on a deeper level, we become familiar with it once again, this is a great step towards embodying your sexual energy. Embodying your sexual energy can be hard due to the life styles we have created for ourselves. We live a life where we value masculine energy, as masculine energy is what gets things done, pays the bills, keeps us on track, does all the things and is ‘productive’ supposedly. Society values masculine energy but been ‘all’ masculine energy is not actually benefiting you longer-term. A healthy balance needs to be established between the two, that beautiful eb and flow between the two needs to occur. It’s also important to be aware of thought processes that suppress the expression and connection with your sexual energy or feminine energy. What thoughts are running through your mind when you think about fully expressing your feminine energy? Do you think “my friends will stop talking to me”, “it’s wrong”, “it’s bad”, “what would my family think?”, “I can’t,” “I don’t want to be different”, “my faith/ religion doesn't allow it”. If any of these are running through your mind, that’s ok, it does for everyone. We want to belong, simple as that, we are hardwired to seek out the company of other and belong and to avoid being ostracised. However, it’s important that the company we seek is from people who support, encourage and love us unconditionally. Another belief system that can act as a barrier is the belief that emotions, or at least certain emotions, are wrong or bad. This may have been an unspoken family rule that you grew up with for example most of us were told to stop crying.

So at this point I want you to carry out an activity with you. You’re going to write a letter to the people who stopped you from fully expressing your feminine energy. Now this letter will begin with “ I hold back my feminine energy because they will…” Now list all the reasons that come to mind, for example “rejected me.”, “hate me”, “look down on me” and so forth.

Now read through that letter.

Now honour it, hod space for it for awhile, and now let it go.

Centre yourself, breath in deeply.

Once you have centred yourself take your pen and make 2 modifications to the letter. First, at the very beginning of the letter write “Dear and insert your name. Next change the word ‘they’ to ‘I’. So that it states “Dear (your name), I hold back my feminine energy because I will…

And read through the letter once more addressed to yourself.

This is a powerful activity that exposes us to the truth that we are our own barriers when it comes to fully expressing or connecting with our feminine energy.

4. Flow with it

The beautiful thing about being human is that we are ever-changing through our life. Our sexual energy is ever-changing throughout our life. It’s seasonal, it evolves, and it’s important to honour the constant change that we experience in regards to our sexual energy. Flow with it and embrace this change. This step is about honouring our true self in whatever form it needs to be experienced and expressed. You may find that your sexual energy one day is a ranging confident feminine wave crashing down over your entire life, reaching all areas. And then you may find that some days your sexual energy is quieter, gentler, almost in a dreamy sensual curious state. And you may find that you ebb and flow between to two often or not so often, either way, whatever you experience is perfect as long as you honour it and hold space for it. This leads into the last point.

5. Honour where you are

The last practice Ii wish for you to take away is honouring where you are at any given point of your journey. Too often we become distracted by others who perhaps have something we want whether it be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. We become impatient, unable to wait for the desired outcome. This distraction of longing to be like others or to have what they have only stunts your journey to healing. Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, instead of reacting practice patient and try holding space for yourself. Acknowledge how you feel, honour it, hold space for it and be gentle with yourself. Honour where you are. This beautiful journey that you're embarking on is yours and yours alone. It’s unique to you. It’s what makes you who you are and who you are still becoming. Particular phases are key to the end result, there are lessons that are need to be learnt, skills to be developed and wisdom to be embedded within you.

So instead of wishing and hoping for a particular phase of your journey to be over, hold space for it, honour it, and ask what is this teaching me? What knowledge or wisdom can I gain from this moment in my life. Because that’s all it is, a moment in your life that you will soon look back on and understand or even appreciate for what it gave you.

So that’s it, those are 5 practices towards sexual healing. By all means, they are not the be-all and end-all, there are so much more tools that can be utilised to further your growth and I do encourage you to continue your journey but theses are practical, simple and effective starting points. I hope you choose to begin this journey of healing, it can be an amazingly empowering, liberating experience when you decide to take responsibility and action for our own growth and healing.

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